Original Audio: Studio Visit with Tarrah Aroonsakool
Here is the original, unedited audio of this interview. Enclosed is also a letter from me to you (per usu).
Hello everyone,
I’m writing this letter to you in a separate post because of how (wonderfully) long the interview transcription was. Plus, better to keep the focus there as opposed to this moment I have between you and me.
This month’s post was a bit of a scramble for me. Technically, I didn’t even make the deadline as this and the transcription were posted on December 1st, in the wee wee hours of the night.
November was long. Horrors continued, such as the ongoing genocide in Palestine and around the world by the hands of the IDF, Israel’s illegal occupation and the dollars/arms of the US. And so continue vehement displays of humanity as people protest, disrupt, share info/resources/news/art/writing to both witness this tragic disrespect to Palestinian lives, express and act out our dissent to the occupation, to the complicity/active participation by the US and other colonial powers. We were never the heroes of the world-stage. I hope that has become increasingly clear to American citizens who either condone, endorse, or are ‘neutral’ to genocide.
November was also a month of connecting with art and other artists. This interview being one of those affirming moments and first things I did in November. Just before that I had attended an incredible show on endometriosis curated by my friend. Later a series of paintings of mine were accepted and displayed in an art exhibition among the beautiful artwork of many other friends. At the reception, the same friend who did The Endow Show had done a bewitching performance art piece I haven’t stopped thinking about. I started a new painting which is also my very first self-portrait. I’d gone to events, and hosted friends and loved ones in my home. I’m sure I’m forgetting things and I write this all so easily now as the month has quickly drawn to an end.
As much as these great things happened, I also burnt myself out. But instead of listening and trying to slow down, I pushed harder and shamed myself for losing steam or struggling against my unreasonably high standards for myself. Tarrah said many things during our interview which resonated with me. One of those being that any time you spend doing things toward a project—be it research, brainstorming, talking out ideas, resting, finding stillness— all counts towards the final results and your craft. That time matters. It’s productive in the sense that it was time well spent. Not for you to agonize over or convince yourself you weren’t doing enough.
My perfectionism holds hands with my fear of insufficiency. So even though I was doing all of these things that are both fun and affirming to me, I had also shamed myself for not dedicating enough time to sitting in front of my computer and writing. Shame for not methodically working on this newsletter like I imagined. Sometimes I think adding rigid structures will reduce the stress I have for doing a thing— like create art, writing. When really the structure I’m building turns my ideas and hopes into these towering expectations. I stand in their shadow, tense, holding my breath as I try to maintain all the to-do lists in my head and track their progress. I’ll recognize this feeling by the tight clench of my jaw, stiffness in my shoulders, and the ache from my neck and knuckles being anxiously cracked.
I was putting a lot of pressure on making a post and following the deadline. Too much pressure it killed my creativity. I kept scrolling through my notes looking for fodder, gathered a few half-baked drafts, cursed what little time I felt I had and stopped myself from pursuing them because they wouldn’t be “polished.”
After this month I may have to tweak the ethos of this newsletter. Ideas were scrapped or efforts cut short because I felt like I wasn’t digging deep enough. Like I need to come out with something emotionally gritty and fraught with dark complexities every single month. At the end of the day, this is my newsletter for me shape based off my needs and interests. Yes I want to push myself into the deep, dark corners of myself and it’s also okay if not every post I make goes into that place (paid or otherwise). As two friends have reminded me recently, I don’t have to go about my ideas or creativity as though it needs to be groundbreaking somehow. Or to try to prove something about myself. What I’m doing is enough.
Now to take some damn rest. I have to get ready for class in a handful of hours.
Well wishes you and yours,
Dianna
Oh god, it’s December—